Category: Making Music

Thoughts and actions

First of all, today’s my birthday (May 25)!!

In an article published by havingtime.com, the writer discusses how our thoughts affect our actions, which affects our habits, which affects our character, which affects our destiny. I’ve been dismayed by how all the schedules and lists and activities I planned for my family during these pandemic days have essentially gone out the window. Sometimes nothing seems like it’s working. Everyone is struggling to find motivation to keep up with everything. Everyone’s nerves are frayed. Everyone’s tempers are short.

In order to stabilize my depression and anxiety, I’ve had to learn to adjust my expectations on every level. These adjustments, plus reading helpful articles and inspirational stories on social media, have led me to understand that what matters most to me in my household is that we think and act with love and integrity everyday. We all know what it feels and looks like when we think and act with fear, anger, and carelessness. But at least in my household, an antidote to fearful, angry, and careless thoughts and actions has been mindful conversations about our daily loving thoughts and actions. Here’s what I started telling my kids (and my husband, and myself, for that matter!): it’s about Thinking and Doing for yourself, and for others.

THINK

Thoughts of self-care and gratitude for life
- “I’m safe, I’m loved, I’m not alone.”
Thoughts for the care of others and gratitude for their presence
- “I’m grateful for my spouse, parent, children, siblings, friends, etc… I pray they feel safe and healthy.”

Tasks that nurture your body, mind, and spirit
- Diet, grooming, exercise, play and do things that you like
Tasks that show you respect and care for others
- Household chores, work/school, reaching out to loved ones, helping where help is needed.

Some days are better than others. But by focusing daily on these loving thoughts and actions, I find that no day is ever a complete loss. There’s always hope.

Other news

COMPOSITION: My arrangement of “Come Sing a Song With Me” by Carolyn McDade has consumed most of my composition time lately. My colleagues and I are recording it for the Unitarian Universalist Association’s virtual presentation of the Service of the Living Tradition next month.

CONDUCTING: Like many conductors, I grieve the loss of access to my ensemble during this pandemic. To stay positive, I’m turning my attention toward programming music. When my choirs can safely get back together, I’ll be ready with some wonderful things to sing.

SINGING: I know I’m a soprano, but I just ADORE the Duruflé “Pie Jesu” , which is a mezzo-soprano aria. Here’s a recording I made for a Sunday Zoom service at Neighborhood Church last month:

My brilliant collaborator, Wells Leng, arranged and performed all the instrumentation. To hear more of me and my colleagues sing at church, tune in the the Neighborhood Church Zoom services on Sundays at 9:30am pacific. Check out the church website here

FOR FUN: My good friend and colleague Daniel Ramon is singer, teacher, flutist. I thank him from the bottom of my heart for reigniting my love of this instrument and helping me improve my playing. He is so kind that he took time to record himself playing a little canon by Mendelssohn that I could play along with. I had to practice everyday single day for the last 3 weeks in order to get it up to Daniel’s tempo. I’m really proud I was finally able to play it without messing up! I fiddled around on my Mac with iMovie software to produce this short video:

Revisiting music already made

When I wrote to you last month, I hadn’t processed the full magnitude of my grief over the loss of choral singing due to the COVID-19 crisis. We’d already been working from home for a week. I was holding choir rehearsals over Zoom, insisting that my students sing and rehearse with the recordings I played from my computer.

On one particular day between classes, I noticed a friend had tagged me in a video posted on Facebook of the LA Master Chorale, singing Eric Whitacre’s “i carry your heart” at Disney Hall in 2016. Another friend commented sweetly that they had spotted me in the video. Until that point, I had been avoiding videos of virtual choirs, A-cappella app projects and footage of past performances. But in a moment of vanity, I thought, “I should watch it since I’m in it. I wonder what I looked like in 2016? Let me see how much less visible my gray hair was back then.” So I clicked. Then time stopped.

I dissolved at the sight and sound of us singing “i carry your heart.” I melted into tears.

The way I responded was kinda like that scene in Disney’s Ratatouille, when, with the first bite of this masterful dish, the food critic is dramatically transported back to childhood, savoring a delicious meal prepared with extraordinary care and skill by someone they loved and who loved him.

Shatteringly, I thought of Orlando di Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, #10 “Come falda di neve.” In this video excerpt from our performance in 2016 (I’m on the back row), you can see the translation of the latin text which talks about the melting of St. Peter’s heart.

The video ends just before the final phrase which says,
“When Christ turned his eyes to look at him
It all melted and dissolved into tears.”

These days, I continue to dissolve at the sight and sound of our singing, because I keep seeing and hearing the divine (Christ) within each of us, but only through a screen.

I remember how excruciatingly difficult it was to memorize Lagrime. How did I even do it?!?

I guess I did it in a manner similar to what I’ve been having my own students do during this period of “social distancing” due to COVID-19. I recorded myself singing along to videos of our blocking rehearsals, which the LA Master Chorale provided as a means for us to study our movement at home. In my car and at home everyday, several times a day, I listened to that audio practice recording I made using my phone and my computer.

It was so eye-opening to hear myself singing to/with my tribe. My singing on these practice recordings wasn’t perfect by any means. But I can hear myself singing with so much heart. I remember how everything was just easier and more musical when I could feel those voices against my own. In those recordings, I can hear what I sound like inside the ensemble. I sound like I’m at home inside the harmony, rising and falling, immersed in song with my fellow singers. That’s why I have my students do this work, singing and practicing with recordings of the voices of people that know and care about them. I hope they can hear and feel at least a little of what I’ve felt and heard in this work.

I kept listening to my practice recordings in the car on my way to and from work for weeks following the premiere performance of Lagrime. Lately, I’ve started listening to them again, and every now and then, I get a little weepy. There are 20 separate madrigals in Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, and we memorized them all. But number 10 was always my favorite. There is something so powerful about the melting of a frozen heart. Just as there’s something relatable about the dissolution of a person into tears.

BONUS: Quarantine music-making:
Duet with my daughter

Report from home

While we’ve been practicing being “safer at home,” my oldest daughter Felicity has taken up photography. I got her a nice-ish camera last year for her birthday, but she never used it until now. Last week, she asked me to look at some pictures she had taken in the backyard. I was so delighted to see she was using the gift I gave her.

And her pictures were lovely: nice contrast, vivid colors, great clarity. I’m no expert by any means, but I just adore visual art – various periods, various styles and mediums. I guess I’m a visual art lover the way some people are music lovers: I don’t know much about it, and I’m not very good at it myself. But I’m game for a trip to a museum or gallery any day! I miss being able to go to museums and galleries and just walk around and revel in being physically surrounded by the brilliant artistry of gifted humans. Both my daughters are among my very favorite visual artists right now, so I’ve been surrounding myself with their art. Felicity has always been great at painting and drawing. Now she does photography, too.

While I was eating breakfast Monday morning, she came down stairs, already dressed with her camera hanging around her neck. She said, “Mom I’m going out to take some pictures,” and she went into the back yard. Usually, Monday mornings are fraught with stress and anxiety and dread about school. But on this day, she was full of curiosity and lightness and peace. I followed her outside and watched her learn from her environment. She was trying to shoot a bee sitting on a cactus flower. She would flinch and squeal when the bee would fly toward her. She got frustrated when she couldn’t get a clear shot. She kept trying, then she decided to shoot something else. I felt like I was observing my daughter learn in a class being taught by a silent, wise, and wonderful invisible teacher.

Maybe there’s a teacher at work in all of us… And what if that teacher has always been there?…

Can you just imagine that poor teacher after all these years…

COMPOSITION
I’m working on my “Kwanzaa Songs,” my “Te Deum” for choir and organ, and my “Three Moody Sketches for Piano.” And I continue to make plans for the recording of my album of Sacred Choral Works this summer (unless we’re still on lockdown, in which case who knows when it will be).

CONDUCTING
I’m leading virtual choir rehearsals on Hiawatha’s Wedding Feast by Samuel Coleridge-Taylor with my students at Harvard-Westlake and Requiem by Maurice Durufle with my choir at Neighborhood Church. Actually, there has literally been no physical conducting involved! because the video delay is so bad. But there is still so much singing we do together, even though we can’t really hear or see each other all at once. These sessions are the highlight of my week. This is where the power of audiation shines brightest. This is where the spirit of what we do as choral artists is most potent. Seeing each other engaged in this work on our computers, despite the fact our hearing and seeing is limited, is indescribably humbling and powerful.

SINGING
No upcoming performances. I’ve just been using Garage Band software along with my phone recorder to capture and mix my singing. I’m working on music for next week’s church service, which is being streamed live on Zoom and posted later on Facebook. I also have a few fun little personal projects that keep me busy.

PIANO
Suddenly, I have time to practice! I’m learning Beethoven Piano Sonata no. 1. I’m also reminding myself how to play Invention no. 1 by Bach, Austrian Song by Patcher, and Toccata by Khachaturian. I’ve begun to teach Natalie about posture and hand position. She plays everyday, teaching herself songs by wrote and making up little songs of her own. She’s exploring triads, inversions, and octave displacement (though she has no idea that’s what she’s doing! There goes that silent, wise, and wonderful invisible inner teacher again). She says she wants me to teach her how to read music next week.

FLUTE
I suddenly also have time to play my flute! I’m working on improving my tone and fingering by playing scales and exercises. Wow, it’s really hard for me to play those higher notes because my embouchure is so weak. I need a lot of practice!

COOKING
Just kidding! I don’t really like to cook. Thank God for Vincent and Felicity!

Upcoming events

Live events have been placed on hold due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but we’ll be back! Keep an eye on the Events page for the latest news.

Heading into a new decade

I’ve begun work on an album of my original sacred music for choir, piano, and organ. I’m hoping to have the album completed later this summer.

This project will give me an opportunity to work with colleagues and friends in various Southern California faith communities and educational institutions.

I’ll share updates as they unfold…

Compositions

Zanaida’s brand new work, “She Walks in Pools”, was commissioned for the CCDA SSAA All-State Honor Choir and addresses the timely subject of depression and anxiety. The piece will be premiered on Saturday, February 22 in Fresno, CA during the California All-State Music Education Conference.

Collaborative fundraiser — now through Sept 29

Tonality + Planned Parenthood LA Music Video Collaboration Crowdfunder

Now through Sunday, Sept 29 — Online

This week, I donated to Tonality’s crowdfunder to support their partnership with Planned Parenthood. The video at the heart of this project features my composition, Lady in Blue.

Our goal is $5,000.

Please join me and help carry Tonality’s social justice message into the minds, ears, and hearts of all who would listen. Click here to donate. Thank you so much for your continued support.