Category: Musings

An Unlikely Spiritual Practice

Almost everyday, for better or for worse, I log on to Facebook, sometimes multiple times per day. If I can stay away from negativity, I’m sometimes able to connect and catch up with friends and colleagues in fun and creative ways through this social media outlet.

Every morning, Facebook lets me know how many friends are celebrating birthdays on that day. I know from experience that there’s something really sweet about receiving birthday greeting from all your “friends” on Facebook. Sometimes, there are like 20 friends who all have birthdays on the same day. That’s a lot of “Happy Birthday!’s” to write, which could take up quite a bit of time.

One day this month, it occurred to me that the daily Facebook birthday list was a tool I could use to send positive vibes, even prayers to all my “friends” through out the year. It doesn’t matter that I don’t necessarily “know” every single person. I have an opportunity to send light and love to all these people; to meditate on and acknowledge the worth, dignity, and belovedness of about 3,000 specific individuals in my circle of facebook friends over the course of a year just by wishing them a “happy birthday.”

When I look at it like that, wishing a happy birthday to all these folks seems like the least I could do to actively send positive energy into the world on a daily basis, perhaps thereby making it a better place. Actually, this “happy birthday” practice is more for ME than it is for them.

Composition

Since this time last year, more 100 schools, churches, community choirs, professional ensembles, and individuals from around the world have purchased or commissioned my music. I never EVER imagined I could make it this far as a composer.

Thank you to everyone who who has shown an interest in my work; everyone who encouraged me and believed in me; my family, especially my incredible mom for being the very best assistant on the earth; and Lauri D Goldenhersh for helping me share my news and my music with the world.

Singing

Earlier this month, I was elated for my first live vocal recording session since the pandemic began. I had forgotten how much I love session singing. I loved seeing friends and meeting new singers. Plus, I had forgotten how pretty-darn-good I am at this kind of high-pressure gig. I’m grateful to live in a city where this work is possible. Here’s hoping for more!

Community News

As the chair of Tonality’s Board of Directors, I am pleased to announce that our new album America Will Be has just been released. America Will Be speaks to issues that have been quieted in our attempt to portray the United States as a beacon of opportunity. In styles as diverse as the topics, this music brings voice to the most vulnerable – to lift them up, to reflect on the reality of our society, and to sing about peace and unity. Through our song, we look toward a more perfect union for ourselves and future generations.

Congratulations, Tonality! Check it out here

Ready to Join the Choir and Sing With Me?

Neighborhood Chorus at Neighborhood Church in Pasadena is now accepting singers on all voice parts. The excitement is building as we turn our attention toward returning to our beloved sanctuary for live worship in September. Neighborhood Chorus is finally coming back in-person with regular Thursday night rehearsals in the sanctuary beginning on September 2 from 7:15pm-9pm.

Conducted by Dr. Zanaida Robles, Neighborhood Chorus is a non-auditioned chorus open to all adults. Our repertoire consists of a variety of classical and non-classical styles, sung in various languages. No training is necessary, however classical choral experience and/or basic sight reading skills are encouraged. Our new Sunday worship schedule calls for the Neighborhood Chorus to sing 3 Sundays per month during the 2nd service only. COVID vaccination is required of all singers, and we will wear masks for the duration of all rehearsals and services.

Please fill out this short form to let me know you plan to sing with us this year. I can’t wait to make music with you again!

For Fun

I actually went out to a thing!

Earlier this month, I fed my soul with some live jazz, compliments of the John Tegmeyer Quartet. Can’t wait to see these cats play again!

And finally (below), here’s Ollivander, the magical kitten, helping me multi-task ❤❤❤

Metamorphosis

In this house, for which I am so grateful,
Sometimes I feel like we’re in a cocoon.
I don’t feel trapped.
I think I see us changing, growing, blooming, awakening.
I hope.

There are many painful and awkward days.
There is uncertainty and risk and failure ahead.
Often, change feels like loss.
And there is deep grief and pain.
But something is holy here,

Here in this holy cocoon from which we cannot yet emerge;
Where we are stuck and in pain.
Are we stuck and in pain because our legs have fallen off?
Is that what has changed?
Is that why we can’t move?
Will we never walk again?

We had better be growing wings, then.

COMPOSITION

Yay! I finished movements 2 and 3 of my Nocturnes for Piano. Now to crunch out the 1st movement. I’ve got a good start on it, but I’m struggling with the development.

CONDUCTING

I shot a video of my conducting practice the other day. Ugh. So much work to do. I’m working on preparing the Duruflé “Sanctus,” which I’ll need to record for real soon for an upcoming virtual choir project.

SINGING

I had fun using GarageBand to create a multitrack recording of my setting of “Veni Sancte Spiritus” today. Singing alto, tenor, and bass is fun for this reluctant soprano.

Listen on Soundcloud

FOR FUN

I’m playing “Zelda: Breath of the Wild” on Nintendo Switch. It is a masterpiece of a video game! The landscapes are vast and beautiful, the animation is exceptional, and the story is classic. Best of all, the music is wonderful! It’s like they use chamber music textures to give the game a more intimate feel. It’s a great way to escape from the troubles of this world for a little while.

Trailer for Nintendo Switch: “Zelda: Breath of the Wild”

Thoughts and actions

First of all, today’s my birthday (May 25)!!

In an article published by havingtime.com, the writer discusses how our thoughts affect our actions, which affects our habits, which affects our character, which affects our destiny. I’ve been dismayed by how all the schedules and lists and activities I planned for my family during these pandemic days have essentially gone out the window. Sometimes nothing seems like it’s working. Everyone is struggling to find motivation to keep up with everything. Everyone’s nerves are frayed. Everyone’s tempers are short.

In order to stabilize my depression and anxiety, I’ve had to learn to adjust my expectations on every level. These adjustments, plus reading helpful articles and inspirational stories on social media, have led me to understand that what matters most to me in my household is that we think and act with love and integrity everyday. We all know what it feels and looks like when we think and act with fear, anger, and carelessness. But at least in my household, an antidote to fearful, angry, and careless thoughts and actions has been mindful conversations about our daily loving thoughts and actions. Here’s what I started telling my kids (and my husband, and myself, for that matter!): it’s about Thinking and Doing for yourself, and for others.

THINK

Thoughts of self-care and gratitude for life
- “I’m safe, I’m loved, I’m not alone.”
Thoughts for the care of others and gratitude for their presence
- “I’m grateful for my spouse, parent, children, siblings, friends, etc… I pray they feel safe and healthy.”

Tasks that nurture your body, mind, and spirit
- Diet, grooming, exercise, play and do things that you like
Tasks that show you respect and care for others
- Household chores, work/school, reaching out to loved ones, helping where help is needed.

Some days are better than others. But by focusing daily on these loving thoughts and actions, I find that no day is ever a complete loss. There’s always hope.

Other news

COMPOSITION: My arrangement of “Come Sing a Song With Me” by Carolyn McDade has consumed most of my composition time lately. My colleagues and I are recording it for the Unitarian Universalist Association’s virtual presentation of the Service of the Living Tradition next month.

CONDUCTING: Like many conductors, I grieve the loss of access to my ensemble during this pandemic. To stay positive, I’m turning my attention toward programming music. When my choirs can safely get back together, I’ll be ready with some wonderful things to sing.

SINGING: I know I’m a soprano, but I just ADORE the Duruflé “Pie Jesu” , which is a mezzo-soprano aria. Here’s a recording I made for a Sunday Zoom service at Neighborhood Church last month:

My brilliant collaborator, Wells Leng, arranged and performed all the instrumentation. To hear more of me and my colleagues sing at church, tune in the the Neighborhood Church Zoom services on Sundays at 9:30am pacific. Check out the church website here

FOR FUN: My good friend and colleague Daniel Ramon is singer, teacher, flutist. I thank him from the bottom of my heart for reigniting my love of this instrument and helping me improve my playing. He is so kind that he took time to record himself playing a little canon by Mendelssohn that I could play along with. I had to practice everyday single day for the last 3 weeks in order to get it up to Daniel’s tempo. I’m really proud I was finally able to play it without messing up! I fiddled around on my Mac with iMovie software to produce this short video:

Revisiting music already made

When I wrote to you last month, I hadn’t processed the full magnitude of my grief over the loss of choral singing due to the COVID-19 crisis. We’d already been working from home for a week. I was holding choir rehearsals over Zoom, insisting that my students sing and rehearse with the recordings I played from my computer.

On one particular day between classes, I noticed a friend had tagged me in a video posted on Facebook of the LA Master Chorale, singing Eric Whitacre’s “i carry your heart” at Disney Hall in 2016. Another friend commented sweetly that they had spotted me in the video. Until that point, I had been avoiding videos of virtual choirs, A-cappella app projects and footage of past performances. But in a moment of vanity, I thought, “I should watch it since I’m in it. I wonder what I looked like in 2016? Let me see how much less visible my gray hair was back then.” So I clicked. Then time stopped.

I dissolved at the sight and sound of us singing “i carry your heart.” I melted into tears.

The way I responded was kinda like that scene in Disney’s Ratatouille, when, with the first bite of this masterful dish, the food critic is dramatically transported back to childhood, savoring a delicious meal prepared with extraordinary care and skill by someone they loved and who loved him.

Shatteringly, I thought of Orlando di Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, #10 “Come falda di neve.” In this video excerpt from our performance in 2016 (I’m on the back row), you can see the translation of the latin text which talks about the melting of St. Peter’s heart.

The video ends just before the final phrase which says,
“When Christ turned his eyes to look at him
It all melted and dissolved into tears.”

These days, I continue to dissolve at the sight and sound of our singing, because I keep seeing and hearing the divine (Christ) within each of us, but only through a screen.

I remember how excruciatingly difficult it was to memorize Lagrime. How did I even do it?!?

I guess I did it in a manner similar to what I’ve been having my own students do during this period of “social distancing” due to COVID-19. I recorded myself singing along to videos of our blocking rehearsals, which the LA Master Chorale provided as a means for us to study our movement at home. In my car and at home everyday, several times a day, I listened to that audio practice recording I made using my phone and my computer.

It was so eye-opening to hear myself singing to/with my tribe. My singing on these practice recordings wasn’t perfect by any means. But I can hear myself singing with so much heart. I remember how everything was just easier and more musical when I could feel those voices against my own. In those recordings, I can hear what I sound like inside the ensemble. I sound like I’m at home inside the harmony, rising and falling, immersed in song with my fellow singers. That’s why I have my students do this work, singing and practicing with recordings of the voices of people that know and care about them. I hope they can hear and feel at least a little of what I’ve felt and heard in this work.

I kept listening to my practice recordings in the car on my way to and from work for weeks following the premiere performance of Lagrime. Lately, I’ve started listening to them again, and every now and then, I get a little weepy. There are 20 separate madrigals in Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, and we memorized them all. But number 10 was always my favorite. There is something so powerful about the melting of a frozen heart. Just as there’s something relatable about the dissolution of a person into tears.

BONUS: Quarantine music-making:
Duet with my daughter

Thanks and hopes

May this Thanksgiving be filled with folks we enjoy having in our lives and food we enjoy having in our mouths.

As we gather, may we be slow to speak and quick to listen.

May our lives be a blessing to those in need.

May we never take our family and friends for granted.

May we be thankful for our many blessings, even in the midst of mind-blowing changes and devastating losses.

May we remember those who are missing from our tables.

May we practice making space, holding space, giving space.

May we be good to ourselves and to each other.

And may we remember to carry our good will with us throughout this holiday season.