I’ve been grieving a lot this last month. That’s why I’m so thankful for my husband and my two daughters, who live with me and continually remind me that I’m loved and that I’m not alone. And when I don’t feel like I can lean on those in my household, I’m grateful for my network of friends and family who are with me in spirit, letting me talk with them, listening to me, helping me bear my grief. The deaths of loved ones, the sad endings of friendships, the loss of resources and abilities, challenging environmental changes, war and poverty in the world, and the unrelenting passage of time have all been heavy on my heart.
What does it even mean to let go of that which we cherish and on which we rely? Perhaps letting go has to do with accepting things I can’t change. Too often, I distract or numb myself to avoid feeling lonely, or angry, or powerless and hurt. In order to help process this often debilitating grief over things I can’t change, my therapist challenged me to face it without numbing (alcohol) or distraction (Netflix). So I’m trying to take time to feel these tough feelings. And I’m discovering that remembering what I loved and cherished about these losses can be helpful. I go back and forth between “It’s over now, it hurts so much, and/or there’s nothing I can do” and “remember how great it used to be? I’m so glad I had that.”
Eventually, I get curious and ask myself, “what are the ways in which my life now has remnants of past joys and lost loves?” This curiosity leads me to photos and letters and traditions and keepsakes that hold deep meaning and relevance, making me smile. I also discovered there were things I was keeping (clothing, knick-knacks, photos, letters, traditions, etc.) that also made me smile but no longer held meaning for me. Getting rid of those now meaningless things felt oddly good. It made me even more grateful for the things, people, and memories that continue to hold meaning and importance for me. I guess that’s how gratitude became an antidote to my despair. But I couldn’t arrive at genuine gratitude until I let myself grieve.
This Thanksgiving, may we be kind to ourselves and to one another. May we give ourselves and each other the space we need to genuinely grieve without distraction and numbness, so that we can be genuinely grateful.
Conducting
“Lights of Remembrace“
Wednesday, November 29 @ 7pm — Free
Museum Plaza, Forest Lawn Glendale
English language service, featuring the Harvard-Westlake Chamber Singers
I’m conducting music by Brahms, Forrest, and Sweelinck.
“Rejoice!: Celebrating Connection” Winter Choral Concert
Thursday, December 7 @ 7pm — Free
Rugby Auditorium, Harvard-Westlake School
I’m conducting music by Robles, Coleridge-Taylor, Valverde, Hairston, Rutter, Hogan, Haydn, Aguiar, and more.
“Neighborhood Christmas Concert”
Friday, December 15 @ 7:30pm — Free
Neighborhood UU Church, Pasadena
2nd annual Christmas concert, featuring guest soloists from our NUUC community, along with the best sing-alongs ever.
Suggested Donation: $25 to support NUUC Music programs.
Christmas Eve Service
Sunday, December 24 @ 8pm
Neighborhood UU Church, Padadena
I’m conducting new music by Robles!
Composing
YAY!!
The first draft of my LA Master Chorale commission is complete! Now I need to edit it and make it presentable. Don’t forget to get your tickets for the world premiere in April.
Here’s the premiere performance of my arrangement of “His Eye is on the Sparrow” presented by the Frost Chorale, conducted by Dr. Amanda Quist. The whole concert was outstanding! My piece begins around 26:40.
For Fun
Selfie silliness!
Happy Thanksgiving!
