In this house, for which I am so grateful, Sometimes I feel like we’re in a cocoon. I don’t feel trapped. I think I see us changing, growing, blooming, awakening. I hope.
There are many painful and awkward days. There is uncertainty and risk and failure ahead. Often, change feels like loss. And there is deep grief and pain. But something is holy here,
Here in this holy cocoon from which we cannot yet emerge; Where we are stuck and in pain. Are we stuck and in pain because our legs have fallen off? Is that what has changed? Is that why we can’t move? Will we never walk again?
We had better be growing wings, then.
COMPOSITION
Yay! I finished movements 2 and 3 of my Nocturnes for Piano. Now to crunch out the 1st movement. I’ve got a good start on it, but I’m struggling with the development.
CONDUCTING
I shot a video of my conducting practice the other day. Ugh. So much work to do. I’m working on preparing the Duruflé “Sanctus,” which I’ll need to record for real soon for an upcoming virtual choir project.
SINGING
I had fun using GarageBand to create a multitrack recording of my setting of “Veni Sancte Spiritus” today. Singing alto, tenor, and bass is fun for this reluctant soprano.
I’m playing “Zelda: Breath of the Wild” on Nintendo Switch. It is a masterpiece of a video game! The landscapes are vast and beautiful, the animation is exceptional, and the story is classic. Best of all, the music is wonderful! It’s like they use chamber music textures to give the game a more intimate feel. It’s a great way to escape from the troubles of this world for a little while.
Trailer for Nintendo Switch: “Zelda: Breath of the Wild”
In an article published by havingtime.com, the writer discusses how our thoughts affect our actions, which affects our habits, which affects our character, which affects our destiny. I’ve been dismayed by how all the schedules and lists and activities I planned for my family during these pandemic days have essentially gone out the window. Sometimes nothing seems like it’s working. Everyone is struggling to find motivation to keep up with everything. Everyone’s nerves are frayed. Everyone’s tempers are short.
In order to stabilize my depression and anxiety, I’ve had to learn to adjust my expectations on every level. These adjustments, plus reading helpful articles and inspirational stories on social media, have led me to understand that what matters most to me in my household is that we think and act with love and integrity everyday. We all know what it feels and looks like when we think and act with fear, anger, and carelessness. But at least in my household, an antidote to fearful, angry, and careless thoughts and actions has been mindful conversations about our daily loving thoughts and actions. Here’s what I started telling my kids (and my husband, and myself, for that matter!): it’s about Thinking and Doing for yourself, and for others.
THINK
Thoughts of self-care and gratitude for life
“I’m safe, I’m loved, I’m not alone.”
Thoughts for the care of others and gratitude for their presence
“I’m grateful for my spouse, parent, children, siblings, friends, etc… I pray they feel safe and healthy.”
DO
Tasks that nurture your body, mind, and spirit
Diet, grooming, exercise, play and do things that you like
Tasks that show you respect and care for others
Household chores, work/school, reaching out to loved ones, helping where help is needed.
Some days are better than others. But by focusing daily on these loving thoughts and actions, I find that no day is ever a complete loss. There’s always hope.
Other news
COMPOSITION: My arrangement of “Come Sing a Song With Me” by Carolyn McDade has consumed most of my composition time lately. My colleagues and I are recording it for the Unitarian Universalist Association’s virtual presentation of the Service of the Living Tradition next month.
CONDUCTING: Like many conductors, I grieve the loss of access to my ensemble during this pandemic. To stay positive, I’m turning my attention toward programming music. When my choirs can safely get back together, I’ll be ready with some wonderful things to sing.
SINGING: I know I’m a soprano, but I just ADORE the Duruflé “Pie Jesu” , which is a mezzo-soprano aria. Here’s a recording I made for a Sunday Zoom service at Neighborhood Church last month:
My brilliant collaborator, Wells Leng, arranged and performed all the instrumentation. To hear more of me and my colleagues sing at church, tune in the the Neighborhood Church Zoom services on Sundays at 9:30am pacific. Check out the church website here
FOR FUN: My good friend and colleague Daniel Ramon is singer, teacher, flutist. I thank him from the bottom of my heart for reigniting my love of this instrument and helping me improve my playing. He is so kind that he took time to record himself playing a little canon by Mendelssohn that I could play along with. I had to practice everyday single day for the last 3 weeks in order to get it up to Daniel’s tempo. I’m really proud I was finally able to play it without messing up! I fiddled around on my Mac with iMovie software to produce this short video:
When I wrote to you last month, I hadn’t processed the full magnitude of my grief over the loss of choral singing due to the COVID-19 crisis. We’d already been working from home for a week. I was holding choir rehearsals over Zoom, insisting that my students sing and rehearse with the recordings I played from my computer.
On one particular day between classes, I noticed a friend had tagged me in a video posted on Facebook of the LA Master Chorale, singing Eric Whitacre’s “i carry your heart” at Disney Hall in 2016. Another friend commented sweetly that they had spotted me in the video. Until that point, I had been avoiding videos of virtual choirs, A-cappella app projects and footage of past performances. But in a moment of vanity, I thought, “I should watch it since I’m in it. I wonder what I looked like in 2016? Let me see how much less visible my gray hair was back then.” So I clicked. Then time stopped.
https://youtu.be/ZMqZrtaBsCY
I dissolved at the sight and sound of us singing “i carry your heart.” I melted into tears.
The way I responded was kinda like that scene in Disney’s Ratatouille, when, with the first bite of this masterful dish, the food critic is dramatically transported back to childhood, savoring a delicious meal prepared with extraordinary care and skill by someone they loved and who loved him.
Shatteringly, I thought of Orlando di Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, #10 “Come falda di neve.” In this video excerpt from our performance in 2016 (I’m on the back row), you can see the translation of the latin text which talks about the melting of St. Peter’s heart.
The video ends just before the final phrase which says, “When Christ turned his eyes to look at him It all melted and dissolved into tears.”
These days, I continue to dissolve at the sight and sound of our singing, because I keep seeing and hearing the divine (Christ) within each of us, but only through a screen.
I remember how excruciatingly difficult it was to memorize Lagrime. How did I even do it?!?
I guess I did it in a manner similar to what I’ve been having my own students do during this period of “social distancing” due to COVID-19. I recorded myself singing along to videos of our blocking rehearsals, which the LA Master Chorale provided as a means for us to study our movement at home. In my car and at home everyday, several times a day, I listened to that audio practice recording I made using my phone and my computer.
It was so eye-opening to hear myself singing to/with my tribe. My singing on these practice recordings wasn’t perfect by any means. But I can hear myself singing with so much heart. I remember how everything was just easier and more musical when I could feel those voices against my own. In those recordings, I can hear what I sound like inside the ensemble. I sound like I’m at home inside the harmony, rising and falling, immersed in song with my fellow singers. That’s why I have my students do this work, singing and practicing with recordings of the voices of people that know and care about them. I hope they can hear and feel at least a little of what I’ve felt and heard in this work.
I kept listening to my practice recordings in the car on my way to and from work for weeks following the premiere performance of Lagrime. Lately, I’ve started listening to them again, and every now and then, I get a little weepy. There are 20 separate madrigals in Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, and we memorized them all. But number 10 was always my favorite. There is something so powerful about the melting of a frozen heart. Just as there’s something relatable about the dissolution of a person into tears.
BONUS: Quarantine music-making: Duet with my daughter
I’ve struggled this month to think of what to share with you. Honestly, I’m just working a lot. My work as choral director at Harvard-Westlake School and as director of music at Neighborhood Church is very fulfilling. But it’s hard. I wake up early and come home tired. My commute is long, and there always seems to be some extra problem I have to solve or some difficult circumstance I have to deal with. Plus, I have occasional performances, film sessions, composition projects, choral clinics, festivals, meetings, and all sorts of professional activities that can quickly fill up my calendar and drive me into the ground if I’m not careful. So to avoid wearing myself out, I’m practicing keeping my priorities in order, setting clear boundaries, saying “no” to that which causes undue grief, and saying “yes” to that which feeds my soul. (And saying “sorry” when I mess up!)
My family is my #1 priority, so Saturday, Sunday, and Monday evenings are for family. Unless there’s an important appointment or a special performance or something, we usually do chores, play video games, go shopping, and watch TV (football, if I have my way!). I do not schedule meetings, rehearsals, or work-related events during family time. This time that I spend with my family is the most sacred time of my week and is critical to my health and well-being. Tuesdays are Bell Choir days – I get to have fun making music at Neighborhood Church without having to be in charge of anything! (Our Bell Choir director, F. Thomas Simpson, is phenomenal!).
Wednesday is date night. Thursday is church choir night (or a marathon day, because I work at least 14 hours on Thursdays). Friday evenings are for “me time” (I can do whatever the _ I want! (But I usually choose to be home with my family).
Sure, there’s room for flexibility here and there, but not much. And yes, there are times when I screw up and double-book myself or overschedule my calendar to the point where I have no time to rest. It’s hard to be disciplined and stick to the plan. But by prioritizing my activities the way I described above, I have a better shot at getting the exercise, nutrition, rest, and renewal I need in order to maintain a healthy existence.
Maybe I just needed to write this out to remind myself of how I’m supposed to operate. I suspect lots of performers struggle with this sort of thing, and hopefully it will be helpful. Thanks for reading.
