Category: Musings

Thoughts and actions

First of all, today’s my birthday (May 25)!! 

In an article published by havingtime.com, the writer discusses how our thoughts affect our actions, which affects our habits, which affects our character, which affects our destiny. I’ve been dismayed by how all the schedules and lists and activities I planned for my family during these pandemic days have essentially gone out the window. Sometimes nothing seems like it’s working. Everyone is struggling to find motivation to keep up with everything. Everyone’s nerves are frayed. Everyone’s tempers are short. 

In order to stabilize my depression and anxiety, I’ve had to learn to adjust my expectations on every level. These adjustments, plus reading helpful articles and inspirational stories on social media, have led me to understand that what matters most to me in my household is that we think and act with love and integrity everyday. We all know what it feels and looks like when we think and act with fear, anger, and carelessness. But at least in my household, an antidote to fearful, angry, and careless thoughts and actions has been mindful conversations about our daily loving thoughts and actions. Here’s what I started telling my kids (and my husband, and myself, for that matter!): it’s about Thinking and Doing for yourself, and for others.

THINK

  • Thoughts of self-care and gratitude for life
    • “I’m safe, I’m loved, I’m not alone.”
  • Thoughts for the care of others and gratitude for their presence
    • “I’m grateful for my spouse, parent, children, siblings, friends, etc… I pray they feel safe and healthy.”

DO

  • Tasks that nurture your body, mind, and spirit
    • Diet, grooming, exercise, play and do things that you like
  • Tasks that show you respect and care for others
    • Household chores, work/school, reaching out to loved ones, helping where help is needed.

Some days are better than others. But by focusing daily on these loving thoughts and actions, I find that no day is ever a complete loss. There’s always hope.

Other news

COMPOSITION: My arrangement of “Come Sing a Song With Me” by Carolyn McDade has consumed most of my composition time lately. My colleagues and I are recording it for the Unitarian Universalist Association’s virtual presentation of the Service of the Living Tradition next month.

CONDUCTING: Like many conductors, I grieve the loss of access to my ensemble during this pandemic. To stay positive, I’m turning my attention toward programming music. When my choirs can safely get back together, I’ll be ready with some wonderful things to sing.

SINGING: I know I’m a soprano, but I just ADORE the Duruflé “Pie Jesu” , which is a mezzo-soprano aria. Here’s a recording I made for a Sunday Zoom service at Neighborhood Church last month:

My brilliant collaborator, Wells Leng, arranged and performed all the instrumentation. To hear more of me and my colleagues sing at church, tune in the the Neighborhood Church Zoom services on Sundays at 9:30am pacific. Check out the church website here

FOR FUN: My good friend and colleague Daniel Ramon is singer, teacher, flutist. I thank him from the bottom of my heart for reigniting my love of this instrument and helping me improve my playing. He is so kind that he took time to record himself playing a little canon by Mendelssohn that I could play along with. I had to practice everyday single day for the last 3 weeks in order to get it up to Daniel’s tempo. I’m really proud I was finally able to play it without messing up! I fiddled around on my Mac with iMovie software to produce this short video: 

May 25, 2020 Zanaida 0

Revisiting music already made

When I wrote to you last month, I hadn’t processed the full magnitude of my grief over the loss of choral singing due to the COVID-19 crisis. We’d already been working from home for a week. I was holding choir rehearsals over Zoom, insisting that my students sing and rehearse with the recordings I played from my computer.

On one particular day between classes, I noticed a friend had tagged me in a video posted on Facebook of the LA Master Chorale, singing Eric Whitacre’s “i carry your heart” at Disney Hall in 2016. Another friend commented sweetly that they had spotted me in the video. Until that point, I had been avoiding videos of virtual choirs, A-cappella app projects and footage of past performances. But in a moment of vanity, I thought, “I should watch it since I’m in it. I wonder what I looked like in 2016? Let me see how much less visible my gray hair was back then.” So I clicked. Then time stopped.

I dissolved at the sight and sound of us singing “i carry your heart.” I melted into tears.

The way I responded was kinda like that scene in Disney’s Ratatouille, when, with the first bite of this masterful dish, the food critic is dramatically transported back to childhood, savoring a delicious meal prepared with extraordinary care and skill by someone they loved and who loved him.

Shatteringly, I thought of Orlando di Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, #10 “Come falda di neve.” In this video excerpt from our performance in 2016 (I’m on the back row), you can see the translation of the latin text which talks about the melting of St. Peter’s heart.

The video ends just before the final phrase which says,
“When Christ turned his eyes to look at him
It all melted and dissolved into tears.”

These days, I continue to dissolve at the sight and sound of our singing, because I keep seeing and hearing the divine (Christ) within each of us, but only through a screen. 

I remember how excruciatingly difficult it was to memorize Lagrime. How did I even do it?!?

I guess I did it in a manner similar to what I’ve been having my own students do during this period of “social distancing” due to COVID-19. I recorded myself singing along to videos of our blocking rehearsals, which the LA Master Chorale provided as a means for us to study our movement at home. In my car and at home everyday, several times a day, I listened to that audio practice recording I made using my phone and my computer. 

It was so eye-opening to hear myself singing to/with my tribe. My singing on these practice recordings wasn’t perfect by any means. But I can hear myself singing with so much heart. I remember how everything was just easier and more musical when I could feel those voices against my own. In those recordings, I can hear what I sound like inside the ensemble. I sound like I’m at home inside the harmony, rising and falling, immersed in song with my fellow singers. That’s why I have my students do this work, singing and practicing with recordings of the voices of people that know and care about them. I hope they can hear and feel at least a little of what I’ve felt and heard in this work.

I kept listening to my practice recordings in the car on my way to and from work for weeks following the premiere performance of Lagrime. Lately, I’ve started listening to them again, and every now and then, I get a little weepy. There are 20 separate madrigals in Lasso’s Lagrime di San Pietro, and we memorized them all. But number 10 was always my favorite. There is something so powerful about the melting of a frozen heart. Just as there’s something relatable about the dissolution of a person into tears.

BONUS: Quarantine music-making: 
Duet with my daughter

April 25, 2020 Zanaida 0

Thanks and hopes

May this Thanksgiving be filled with folks we enjoy having in our lives and food we enjoy having in our mouths.

As we gather, may we be slow to speak and quick to listen.

May our lives be a blessing to those in need.

May we never take our family and friends for granted. 

May we be thankful for our many blessings, even in the midst of mind-blowing changes and devastating losses.

May we remember those who are missing from our tables.

May we practice making space, holding space, giving space.

May we be good to ourselves and to each other.

And may we remember to carry our good will with us throughout this holiday season.

November 25, 2019 Zanaida 0

A scheduled life

I’ve struggled this month to think of what to share with you. Honestly, I’m just working a lot. My work as choral director at Harvard-Westlake School and as director of music at Neighborhood Church is very fulfilling. But it’s hard. I wake up early and come home tired. My commute is long, and there always seems to be some extra problem I have to solve or some difficult circumstance I have to deal with. Plus, I have occasional performances, film sessions, composition projects, choral clinics, festivals, meetings, and all sorts of professional activities that can quickly fill up my calendar and drive me into the ground if I’m not careful. So to avoid wearing myself out, I’m practicing keeping my priorities in order, setting clear boundaries, saying “no” to that which causes undue grief, and saying “yes” to that which feeds my soul. (And saying “sorry” when I mess up!)

My family is my #1 priority, so Saturday, Sunday, and Monday evenings are for family. Unless there’s an important appointment or a special performance or something, we usually do chores, play video games, go shopping, and watch TV (football, if I have my way!). I do not schedule meetings, rehearsals, or work-related events during family time. This time that I spend with my family is the most sacred time of my week and is critical to my health and well-being. Tuesdays are Bell Choir days – I get to have fun making music at Neighborhood Church without having to be in charge of anything! (Our Bell Choir director, F. Thomas Simpson, is phenomenal!).

Wednesday is date night. Thursday is church choir night (or a marathon day, because I work at least 14 hours on Thursdays). Friday evenings are for “me time” (I can do whatever the _ I want! (But I usually choose to be home with my family).

Sure, there’s room for flexibility here and there, but not much. And yes, there are times when I screw up and double-book myself or overschedule my calendar to the point where I have no time to rest. It’s hard to be disciplined and stick to the plan. But by prioritizing my activities the way I described above, I have a better shot at getting the exercise, nutrition, rest, and renewal I need in order to maintain a healthy existence. 

Maybe I just needed to write this out to remind myself of how I’m supposed to operate. I suspect lots of performers struggle with this sort of thing, and hopefully it will be helpful.  Thanks for reading.

September 25, 2019 Zanaida 0

5 + 3 on the “Auction Block”

When the Italian high school students sang “No More Auction Block for Me” for us during our exchange visit while we were on tour to Venice, Tuscany, Umbria, and Rome last month, I was surprised by how much I learned from that singular experience.

First of all, the Italians clearly loved the song. The diction was cringey, but I guess it was the thought that counted. Still, I felt uncomfortable the whole time.

Second, after the exchange was over and we were returning to our hotel, I explained my experience to one of my colleagues. I had decided the students’ performance lacked connection, depth, and authenticity, which is why it had been difficult for me to watch and hear.

Third, considering my second point above, my colleague helped me realize that in my heart I was being a bit elitist and ungrateful. Here they sang an African-American spiritual – this was their tribute to my country. What an honor! No, these Italian kids can never understand and express a spiritual like I can. But they clearly connected to something universal and transcendent in that music. Renditions of spirituals (like a lot of treasured folk music) have value and depth beyond authenticity and technique. And I should always remember that point, especially when the tables are turned and I’m trying to do justice to music that’s not from my own land. I love so many different kinds of music, and I have so much to learn. I would hate to be judged in the same way I initially internally judged those sweet Italian kids.

Fourth, the fact that these children learned and sang a spiritual is a miracle and a testament to the global influence of these works. Now that these young Italians, thanks to their enlightened instructors, know this song (even if only on a surface level), the seeds of authentic understanding and connection between our peoples might take root and grow. How amazing is that?!

Fifth, I might not have learned this lesson if I hadn’t traveled away from home. I believe it is vital to leave home, to see the world and connect with different cultures. I was humbled by the hospitality of the Italians I met. Until I was embraced as a tourist in Italy, I had forgotten how important it is to understand my African-American heritage in the context of my American identity.

So then I thought, “what other versions are there of ‘No More Auction Block for Me?” It’s not one of the spirituals with which I am most familiar. Here are a few that I found:

Bob Dylan
Martha Redbone
Sweet Honey in the Rock

April 25, 2019 Zanaida 0